INTO THE VOID

I chose to take down this poem about my husband's death... I am proud of it, but decided it's too personal/revealing about loved ones to post in a public forum. Sometimes I go too far for the sake of art... But a few people close to me who knew him/me well were saddened when they came back to read it a second time and found it missing. If you are someone who considers me a friend and you want to read it again (or see it for the first time), feel free to message me. 

CHILDHOOD

This poem was written to fulfill an assignment in a style called "To be read and sung" -- repetition is the key. I know some people are surprised that I would put such personal stuff on my blog, but (A) Hardly anybody reads it/knows about it (truth!) and (B) You can't hurt me with my own story. The questions which are the basis of my "Method Writing" class are "What is the story of my life? What is the truth of who I am?" This is part of the story of my life. It is part of truth of who I am. It does not hold any power over me anymore.

CHILDHOOD

I remember my little feet in the sand

I remember the warming sun on my skin

I remember a gingham tutu’d bathing suit

I remember the curling, churning waves

I remember salt, tart on my tongue

I remember my mother nervous on shore

I remember my father grinning beside me

I remember being pummeled, pulled under

I remember popping up, gasping for breath

I remember saying, “Again! Again!” 

I remember being SO fearless

Why did you choose me?

Why single me out?

Why did you end my childhood?

You were my trusted friend’s father

You were quiet, smiling and kind

You said I was smart and pretty 

You saw that I was vulnerable 

You groomed me ever so slowly 

I learn I am not safe anymore             

I learn my body is not my own

I learn I have no power to stop you

I learn that terror paralyzes 

I learn I can not tell anyone

I learn men have all the control 

I learn alcohol numbs my dread

I trade self respect for drunken touch

I trade my body for beers in bars

I trade my friends for lower companions

I trade my nightmares for blackouts

I trade my bright future for oblivion

But over time I discard my shame

Over time I reclaim my flesh  

Over time I get my self  back

Over time I meet a good man

Over time I learn to feel love

I watch my son move in my belly 

I watch my daughter toddle through snow

I watch them hold hands as they run on the beach

I watch their every gesture and move 

I watch for signs of anything amiss 

I watch, I watch, I watch like a hawk

No one like you will ever approach them

No one like you will endanger them

No one like you will touch their soft skin

No one like you will steal their sweet promise

No one like you will end their childhoods

I remember my little feet in the sand

I remember the warming sun on my skin

I remember being SO fearless